Talent and the Lack Thereof

I am distinctly untalented at playing music. This is a fact that I'm quite convinced of, yet on several occasions when I've tried to express it to people I know I've been met with a lot of skepticism. If you heard me play, you probably wouldn't believe me either. But it's true: I do not have a talent for musical performance.

I play two instruments, piano and marimba (a keyboard percussion instrument, like a big xylophone). I've played the piano since 3rd grade. I wasn't particularly good at it as a child, and didn't put much effort into it until I was about 17. To give an idea of my level, I can play the first movement of Beethoven's Pathetique Sonata. This is not a hard piece. On a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being "child's play" and 10 being "if you can play this you can play anything", it's maybe a 6.

Actually, it would be more accurate to say that I can almost play Mvt. I of Pathetique. I practiced this piece for hundreds of hours over the course of about 10 years, and I still can't quite play it properly. I can barely maintain the left hand tremolo that accompanies the second (fast) theme. I make constant flubs even when I'm well practiced. And there are a couple places where I simply can't execute the notes in time.

To be absolutely clear, this is not just about Beethoven's Pathetique. I have the same problems with other pieces: I don't have the dexterity to pull off technical maneuvers consistently, or at all in some cases, and even the easy stuff I frequently screw up. As for the marimba, for now let's just say my level of skill is comparable to my piano playing: I can play real, non-trivial pieces, but it's a massive struggle, and it took thousands of hours just to be passible. Basically, I am lacking in physical coordination.

But this only scratches the surface of what it means to perform music. I am also pretty bad at the expressive aspect, both in knowing what to do and in implementing it when I do have an idea in my mind for how I want the music to sound.

There are some things I do seem to be good at. I'm decent both at reading music off the page and also at memorizing it. My sense of rhythm is not bad for a keyboardist, though pretty poor for a percussionist. And I think I can feel classical music to some extent. It's hard to explain, but it kind of "makes sense" to me in a way that I think not everyone can relate to. But none of these skills are really exceptional, merely above average, and they're not enough to make up for my deficits -- there is no world in which I could have become a musician.

Mind you, this doesn't bother me all that much. In fact, I'm rather proud of my musical accomplishments precisely because what I know that they are solely due to my own hard work. Scott Alexander has a wonderful essay on this topic. Also, I enjoy playing, and indeed, practicing music. It's a bit like weight-lifting: it's uncomfortable, but not altogether unpleasant, and you gain endurance over time.

There are things that I am talented at, things that came naturally to me. Music is not one of them, and that's okay.